Last year, Blueprint coauthor Maddy posted a full datability ranking of every character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer on her personal blog, with assistance from other Blueprint coauthor Jamie. In fact, it’s one of the posts that inspired us to merge our talents and launch our own blog.
Now, after hours spent consulting the films, books, guides and fan Wikipedias, The Blueprint is happy to present the definitive ranking of the datability of every single character from Twilight.
First up, some ground rules:
- We’re following the Twilight Saga films, not the books: so sorry Lauren Mallory, and while we’re here, justice for Ben Cheney.
- All participants must have passed puberty, or the vampire equivalent of it (we’re not Jacob), and must be a named character.
- Any characters played by multiple actors are counted as each actor’s separate portrayal. Except Phil, because he’s bland. So just Victoria.
This is also a world where each and every character would be devoid of any significant other, and be interested in you, were you to date them.
There are five categories to break up this huge list of characters in some way, because otherwise it would’ve been a nightmare. This list is the result of many hours of thinking and rethinking and debating and arguing about how fuckable Laurent is or isn’t. The takeaway? Change your mind and change it again because nothing’s permanent.
From least to most datable, here we go. You better hold on tight, spider monkey.
73.
Stephenie
Human
Thanks to one of her two split second cameos across the franchise naming her outright, Stephenie Meyer herself, by our own rules, has to be included in this ranking. Though she truly gave us everything that fateful day she opened her laptop and decided to write Twilight, she is a certified menace for so many unforgivable things including and not limited to fictionalising a very real Native tribe; being a devout stickler for stereotypical gender roles; and typing the word ‘Renesmee’ onto a computer and publishing it.
For these reasons, we will not be sharing a veggie plate, Stephenie.
Who the Forks is This?
we don’t know who they are, either.
72.
Charlotte
Vampire
Suffers from being intensely forgettable.
71.
Mary
Vampire
It’s embarrassing for Mary to have befriended the iconic Cullen family and not stick around and hang out forever. Aside from not knowing at all who she is, this alone is a red flag.
70.
Randall
Vampire
I will give £100 to anyone who can share basic information about Randall without looking it up.
69.
Kebi
Vampire
Immediately -1000 points for not being obsessed with Benjamin. I get the whole total obedience thing in theory but that’s my job. Imagine trying to pick a place to eat…total nightmare.
No-mads
while they might have their pros (mostly being tall), we’re not dying to date them. we’re not Bella!
68.
Victoria 2
Vampire
Clearly can’t get over her exes. While we respect Bryce Dallas Howard for being thrilled at Robert Pattinson biting her neck, this recast is the most wicked curveball of all time and it’ll never be okay.
67.
Amun
Vampire
A literal slave-owner. We don’t have to say any more.
66.
Vladimir
Vampire
Draco Malfoy haircut aside, this man is 5’4. Next.
65.
Peter
Vampire
Big respect to Peter for having to put up with Charlotte (we don’t know why we hate her so much) and he’s also 6’3. As will become a factor several times in this list, the lack of restraint is at least a little bit sexy. Also…6’3.
64.
James
Vampire
There are parts of me that are intrigued by the concept of being his snack, but his obsessions would get old so fast and it would be embarrassing that he’s shirtless all the time. Also stop smelling me, I’m self conscious.
63.
Taha Aki
Werewolf
The first shapeshifter of the Quileute tribe lay beside the body of his wife for three days and growled at anyone who tried to touch her before strolling into the forest and never returning or changing back to a man again: the man is a SIMP. But, after three dead wives, we’re going to give this guy a break; and not just because we panic about how we could possibly measure up to The Third Wife or if there would be an expectation for us to sacrifice ourselves. Don’t worry about planning wedding number four, is what we’re saying Taha, you’ve been through enough.
62.
Waylon
Human
Okay, he has a boat and some cool t-shirts, but he proudly boasts about his starring role as “butt-crack Santa” thirteen years down the line. Let me eat my garden burger, Waylon!
61.
Senna
Vampire
A big fan of the strong, silent type and her loyalty is a big tick in the right boxes, but would Zafrina have to come along on all our dates? Like…if I wanted to date Zafrina, I would.
60.
Liam
Vampire
This one’s tricky…because Liam is Irish and also 6’5 which is the most obvious yes of all time. But, he’s a big attention seeker and that’s our job! Plus, far too obsessed with Siobhan to even look at anyone else. Can relate.
59.
Irina
Vampire
At the end of the day, Irina is a tattletale. She’d probably keep a journal of everything you did wrong just to use it against you later. You’d be busy trying to jump into bed and she’d be too busy jumping to conclusions instead. Hard pass.
But…sexy.
58.
Marcus
Vampire
We wish he wasn’t this high up because he does look like The Face of Boe, but he is tall, a man in a position of authority, and has a really cool cape that if we asked nicely, he might let us borrow it and pretend its an Invisibility Cloak. Wait, wrong franchise.
57.
Stefan
Vampire
We love petty bitch representation, and god the grudges we could hold together…delicious and we do love the drama of it. Though what are the chances he’s too busy plotting against Jane and Alec to remember anniversaries? Pretty high if you ask us. Also, he’s 5’3.
56.
Maria
Vampire
Maria might have all the worst traits you can look for in a partner: self-centred, manipulative, a Confederate…do we really have to spell it out? Her limited self-control makes her a bit of a wildcard, but she does know how to work a corset and a pair of big hoops…so partial credit for that? Still, big no from us.
55.
Maggie
Vampire
Girly has been through a famine, we won’t subject her to any more hardships. She also has the ability to detect when you’re lying, which would be a nightmare – not because we’re manipulative liars, but what if you wanted to surprise her?
54.
Gianna
Human
We too, are sluts for vampires, but please, go to therapy, Gianna.
53.
Caius
Vampire
We want that Vecnussy.
Caius has zero powers, other than being able to hate more than your average Joe, and we are all about love, not hate. We do love his sexy, sexy hair though. And taking little trips to Italy to visit him sounds nice. But it is highly embarrassing that he has no powers. If you’re gonna be that smug about being in a position of power, at least be able to do something cool.
52.
Renee
Human
Maybe worth it for the cute little patchwork gifts, but she’s far too flaky and we like knowing where our power cords are at all times. Also, while we’re here: BE A BETTER PARENT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RENEE. JESUS.
Renes-maybe
Some points are perhaps being made, but we’re still a little hesitant for dinner and a movie with these.
51.
Jane
Vampire
Maybe I do like pain, Jane, but I don’t like that attitude.
50.
Alec
Vampire
I already feel nothing, Alec, get a new trick.
49.
Heidi
Vampire
Heidi, YOU look rather juicy, how about that?
48.
Tia
Vampire
Look, is she slutty? Yes. Do we want to get closer to her to have an in with Benjamin? Yes. Sorry, Tia, it’s not personal babes, but we’re all about the Bens here on The Blueprint.
47.
Quil
Werewolf
This man took his cousin to prom…don’t fancy playing third wheel with any member of his family.
46.
Rachel
Human
Has a massive in-law problem.
45.
J. Jenks
Human
Maybe if I ever needed to quickly flee the country, I’d hit him up, but I don’t see him being the type of guy to want to spend a lot of time with you. Probably good with his hands though, all that attention to detail…never mind, we’re getting distracted. We’ll think about it, Mr Jenks.
44.
Phil
Human
Phil enjoys holding large bats and hitting things, being on time for public transport, and travel. How could we not?
43.
Aro
Vampire
Would be fun just trying to make him laugh, but don’t fancy him knowing every thought running through our minds and everything we’ve ever done, known and seen. Or, you know, leading the charge to murder a baby. Camp icon though! Could we change him?
Maybe.
42.
Laurent
Vampire
Maddy’s number one for the drama of the outfit and some of the best hair in the entire Saga alone. Jamie is unable to be impartial in this one ever since that one time he saw Laurent in the corner of his room during a sleep paralysis episode.
41.
Alistair
Vampire
While the focus was pulled from him during that one scene with the giant scissors, Alistair could probably make a decent partner. He’s 6’2 (not important we promise), has a designated sulking spot (Ha, I do that!), and is the vampire equivalent of Find my Friends, which could be handy in a crisis. Hear that, James? Emergency use, only!!!!
40.
Tyler
Human
Sir, learn to drive. Then we can talk.
YES-sica Stanley
from here on out, everyone’s a winner.
39.
Felix
Vampire
He is 6”7. 6”7.
6”7.
Also:
Next!
38.
Tanya
Vampire
Hot, has good leadership abilities, and (most importantly) is horny for Edward, which shows she has good taste. But it also means we would pale in comparison – here for a good time, not a long time with Miss Tanya we think.
37.
Billy
Human
This man is king of holding a grudge, but we do have to respect it. He’s also such a great friend, though it’s important to note that he does not have a flatscreen and therefore will always be lurching off yours to watch the game. We’ll sit in his lap and stroke his hair in the meantime. The main perk of dating Billy is that it would piss off Jacob which we would enjoy.
36.
Cora
Human
Bring me berry cobbler and tell me I’m gorgeous, Cora!
35.
Mr. Molina
Human
We, personally, would love little trips to the composting centre every now and then. Plus, the idea of giving out a fucking golden onion as a prize is high camp and we’re obsessed with it: imagine relaxing in the kitchen at the end of long hard day with a glass of wine, a can of gold spray paint and a bag of onions. That’s the life.
34.
Paul
Werewolf
Look, we’re not going to sit here and pretend that Paul’s passion isn’t fucking sexy, but it’s also overkill. Like dude, ever heard of Zen Match?
33.
Jacob
Werewolf
Pre-wolf Jacob is a sweetheart nerd. Then he gets tall and hot and can carry you places: so far so good. He’s also warm all the time, good with his hands (mechanic and craftsman – what did you think?), and when he’s a werewolf you could cuddle up to him like a huge, living djungelskog. But, he really can’t take no for an answer, holds a mean grudge, and the whole imprinting thing is uncomfortable to say the least. Maybe if we put him through some therapy first.
32.
Huilen
Vampire
Hot auntie vibes.The main perks of Huilen are that she’s just not about the drama, so dating her would be really calm and chill and lovely; but she knows how to make an entrance. She might upstage at events, but we’re happy to let her do that.
31.
Carmen
Vampire
Carmen is the first to believe the Cullens about Renesmee, which shows how trusting and empathetic she is. You could also sing Carmen by Lana Del Rey to her – cute!
30.
Eleazar
Vampire
Anyone who has the good sense to dip from the Volturi is good with us. Being able to identify abilities is a bit of a shit power, but we wouldn’t mind him telling us that we’re ordinary…as long as he did so in Spanish. Plus, he’s protective and good in combat. We’re sold.
29.
Sue
Human
Credit where credit is due, Sue is actually the smartest character for being the only one with enough sense to snap up Charlie Swan – anyone else would be a downgrade but we’re willing to give it a go. And we are just really curious about the Clearwater fish fry…but more on that later.
28.
Nahuel
Vampire/ Human
Versatile king who knows how to rock moccasins.
27.
Emily
Human
She’s loyal babes. And she makes delicious baked goods for you and your friends. She’s a keeper. By the way, those muffins were fucking huge!
26.
Sam
Werewolf
Alpha Daddy. I would go and lay down in the woods just so he could rescue me with no shirt on. Yes, he did cause grievous bodily harm to his significant other and we in no way endorse that, but he then devotes himself to repenting and ensuring it never happens again by committing himself to being emotionally accountable. And that’s very hot in a man.
25.
Eric
Human
A little overeager and a bit of a try-hard, but well-meaning nonetheless. I’d quite like a shoulder to cry on (I cry a lot) and if you play a little more of the long game, Eric, I think we could have something quite special.
24.
Harry
Human
Fish fry sounds fun, and don’t worry Harry we are first aid trained.
23.
Embry
Werewolf
Being one of the more emotionally intelligent members of a pack of relatively stupid boys might be a low bar, but Embry passes it. He’s so quick to embr(y)ace Bella too which is lovely of him. Also, he has a cute little chin dimple that I (Jamie) do want to put my finger in.
22.
Zafrina
Vampire
Zafrina can paint pretty pictures in my mind, which is entirely helpful when I want to watch a movie but can’t be bothered turning on the TV. I can braid her hair while she becomes a human (vampire) projector. Although, we would make sure not to exploit her power and take her out for some nice dinners and whatever she wanted. And, no, Senna, you’re NOT invited!!
21.
Siobhan
Vampire
Not only is she mother, but her special ability is literally outcome manipulation! You want your lottery numbers to come up? Siobhan’s on it. You want anything you can name? Siobhan’s on it! She should have her own TV show. We have entirely spiralled in our research of this very minor character. We have a shrine now.
20.
Kate
Vampire
Bestie is anything but predictable, you know why? Because she’ll always shock you.
19.
Jessica
Human
Don’t waste your time. Or do, because Jess is such a catch. First things first, she’s played by Anna fucking Kendrick (please call us back Anna), but she’s also smart enough to be the valedictorian, sensible enough to keep you away from creepy biker dudes, and hilarious to boot. Mike Newton, sir, you fumbled the bag!
18.
Riley
Vampire
Sexy, ambitious, and more than a bit of a simp, Riley Biers is a good prospective partner. We’d have to keep him away from (worstie) Victoria in order for it to work because it is embarrassing that he’d have a crush on Victoria 2 with those curls. We’d be such a step up from that utter menace that he’d be obsessed with us within seconds and who doesn’t love that?
Golden Onion Tier
here’s where we start falling completely and irrevocably in love.
17.
The Third Wife
Human
How do we begin to describe The Third Wife? She’s smart, a quick thinker, and the ultimate ride-or-die. Like…she probably could’ve found a less permanent way to distract that vampire, but she put her whole pussy into being bait and we think that’s pretty admirable.
16.
Jasper
Vampire
Could we overlook the whole Confederate thing in exchange for him curing our depression? We don’t really want to go on the record as saying yes to that, but…it’d just be nice to feel happy sometimes, you know?
15.
Bella
Human/ Vampire
To love Bella Swan would be to be in a constant state of anxiety in it’s purest form. This girl was able to get away with being thrown about in a ballet studio because her parents heard “fell down some stairs and out through a window”, shrugged and said “sounds about right”. We’d also get a lot out of the relationship though; she’s intelligent, funny in that dry, kinda pathetic way, and provides endless entertainment every time she trips and slips. And, not to be indecorous, but name a hornier person, we dare you. We’d have to have some kind of arrangement with Bensons for Beds before girly was changed into a vampire.
Will be needing to have a chat about baby naming though.
14.
Victoria
Vampire
Her hair is like Vanessa Kirby’s in The World to Come which could just be the entire explanation if you’re anything like me (Maddy). Sure, she’s a little unhinged and her taste is questionable, but put some shoes on and you can definitely show us how wicked your curveball is, Victoria. And please for the love of all that’s holy, teach me how to do that cool flip thing and also kiss my wounds better when I inevitably fail and hurt myself (please don’t drink from me…or do, whatever).
13.
Benjamin
Vampire
A man who can make flowers appear in his hand would be the perfect partner if your love language is gift-giving. This man would be in his element loving you.
12.
Mike
Human
Oh, what a simple, white picket fence life you could live with Mike Newton. He’d take over his Dad’s business, buy you flowers on the way home, and see dumb rom-coms with you because even though he pretends to think they’re stupid, he absolutely loves them as much as you do. It might be more of a low-key relationship than you’d have with some of the other people on this list, but sometimes it’s good to just keep things simple.
11.
Leah
Werewolf
Sorry boys, but Leah is here for the girls only. A feminist icon, Leah takes being the sole representation for female werewolves in her stride, and doesn’t let anyone forget it. She does, however, fuel her existence on bitterness and an inability to get over her ex. Esme doesn’t even eat and she prepared food for you Leah, just eat the damn sandwich! But I guess that’s what happens when you’re surrounded by toxic masculinity, which is why she would thrive in a more female oriented environment. We’ll work on it, sweetie.
10.
Jared
Werewolf
The holy grail of the werewolves. Jared is fun, playful, and more than a little slutty. While imprinting as a concept poses several moral issues, if Jared imprinted on me I would be thrilled. You need someone like Jared to balance out the sheer broodiness coming from Jacob, Sam, and Paul. Him being second in command of the pack is also kind of ideal: doesn’t have the entire weight of the pack on his shoulders, but has enough responsibilities and authority to make it sexy.
9.
Garrett
Vampire
Does this have anything to do with the fact that Lee Pace is 6’4? Maybe, but he’s also an absolute ride-or-die and that makes him exceptional boyfriend material. Who doesn’t want a hot, tall vampire who’ll abandon his entire life just to follow you wherever you go next after knowing you for like three days?
8.
Alice
Vampire
My indecisive ass needs this woman around. I would look stylish from head to toe and have absolutely no anxiety. In other words, living my best fucking life. She might get a little frustrated having to constantly keep tabs on all the different choices I’m considering, but all I’d need to do is let her take me to Olympia, dress me up like a doll, and give her an event to plan and she’s sorted.
Would I overthink the fact that she knows mine, ours and everyone’s futures on a daily basis? Yes. But would she know that, and be able to ease your mind about it? Also yes.
7.
Esme
Vampire
Would be instantly number one if she wasn’t so wholesome. we’d love her to stroke our hair and look after us when we’re sick, but she’s just too maternal for us to think about dating her. This is a woman who has an island named after her. However much we want her to make Italiano for us, she’s just too far out of our league.
6.
Rosalie
Vampire
Tell me this woman wouldn’t hold your wrists above your head, back you against a wall, and insult you in the hottest way possible. And an adoration for theatricality? Girl, you’re just like us for real. Once you got past her huge defence mechanisms, Rosalie Hale would be a truly great partner. If you can deal with the fact that you’re never going to be the hottest one in the couple’s photo, she’ll reward you with unflinching honesty, really good hair, and more than a few ruined cottages.
5.
Charlie
Human
King. God. Perfect. Let me ride that moustache. Purple is cool. Please feel free to hover. Put that pepper spray directly into my EYES king. This is as good as it gets. Put those special snow tire tread things on MY truck. Call ME a yahoo. Comfort ME after MY nightmares. Question MY wall of graduation caps. Walk ME down the aisle to YOU. Crack ME open like a beer can. I’m a vegetarian but I WOULD join you for steak and cobbler at the diner every night. I’ll get a GARDEN BURGER. Let’s obsess over Alice Cullen together. Let’s invite her over for dinner. Charlie Swan is THAT bitch.
Minus one point for being a cop.
4.
Angela
Human
Angela is the one truly pure hearted and non problematic character in not only the Twilight Saga, but all media. She is positive, welcoming, supportive, a woman who knows her worth and takes matters into her own hands, all whilst never being mean or insensitive to a single soul: She’s Edwards’ favourite of Bella’s friends for a reason. And think of all the good angles she can get with that camera!
3.
Carlisle
Vampire
Can you say “$34.1 billion?”
King of self restraint and morality. An entrepreneur, a family man, a highly skilled doctor: I don’t want to say I would launch myself into a table for this man to patch me up in his office and tell me stories while gazing into my eyes; but I would launch myself into a table for this man to patch me up in his office and tell me stories while gazing into my eyes.
2.
Emmett
Vampire
Dick me down and throw me off a cliff yes, but also stroke my hair and play goofy games with me. Emmett Cullen is everything you want in a partner. He’s protective, goofy, and fucking look at the man! The epitome of ‘could kill you but wouldn’t’, Emmett is a strong, steady partner who would listen to all of your problems, make mental plans to punch everyone who ever hurt you, but then feed you grapes and stroke your hair while you slept on his lap.
1.
Edward
Vampire
Did anyone really expect anything else? This man had millions of people in a chokehold for like a decade and continues to do so. There’s a reason for that.
He’s chivalrous, he’s a gentleman, he’s respectful, he’s protective, he’s a family man. If he traded in that embarrassing Volvo for something sexier, preferably with more room in the backseat, then we’d be perfectly happy together. I’m genuinely okay with you keeping my tears in your mouth, you do you babes! If you want to stand in the corner of my room and watch me nap, feel free king! We’re going to overlook whatever creepy vibes come as a result of this because it’s sexy. And who doesn’t love a man who can recite Romeo & Juliet from memory? That’s not even mentioning him being able to read us so well. Imagine how easy it would be to pick a place to eat. Edward would just be like “well, you were thinking about pizza ten minutes ago so pizza it is” and he would pay because he’s just like that.
Let’s also not forget how he broke that bed like it was a Kit-Kat
This took us a year, and we’re proud of it.
There are a lot of takeaways to have from this ranking: from how easily we’ll excuse bad behaviour if it comes from someone hot and romantic enough, to how inexplicably powerful some of these very minor characters are in Twilight. Miss Stephenie Meyer, what was your thought process there? Actually, never mind. We don’t really want to hear from you.
We think we’d have a very happy life with a lot of these characters. All we can say is… No measure of time with them would be long enough. But, we’ll start with forever.
the blueprint. 