Happy Halloween everybody!
We’re celebrating the best holiday of the year with the most iconic horror movie villains and a Blueprint classic – a datability ranking.
We’re pitting slasher against demon in an ultimate battle of partners to determine who would be the best classic horror villain to date. Some of these lovely people might take the phrase “cuffing season” a little too literally, but what you do with that information is up to you – we don’t judge here.
Before we begin, let’s preface this with the boring disclaimer: obviously, we are not endorsing dating a serial killer.
Unless they’re HOT!
19.
Chucky
Child’s Play
Though this guy is officially dead last of our ranking, he does have some notable attributes. He’s a wife guy, the horror definition of “hates everyone in the world but you”, and to bag a slay queen like Tiffany who uses nail files in very vicious ways proves he’s got to be a standup dude.
That being said: he’s a CHILDLIKE DOLL. See you never.
18.
Leatherface
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nightmare of the worst kind. His place is a mess; his family are crazy; there’s no way he could hold a conversation with you; you could not trust any food he cooks you; and he has a pretty extreme hyper fixation on chainsaws.
It won’t be happening.
17.
The Grudge
The Grudge
You’d forget to take out the trash exactly one time and they would never forgive you for it. Not worth it. Plus that noise? Such a turn-off.
16.
Samara
The Ring
There are many people on television we have crushes on that we would like to climb out of the screen and come say hey, but we’re sad to say that Samara is not one of them. Plus, imagine going home with her and said home is just the bottom of a really dirty well… a really big ick.
But – she wouldn’t forget to call you after your date!
15.
Ben Willis
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Should have been iconic, but is instead forgettable. We don’t want that in a partner. He is also very unforgiving, gives bad haircuts and probably smells like fish! Ew!! Not worth hooking up with.
Get it? Hook? Because his weapon is a hook?
14.
Pennywise
It
Just no. What life would this be for you? “Get out of the drains honey, dinner is on the table”? It does not work. And we just don’t want someone who only comes every 27 years… more than a little embarrassing for you Pennywise.
(However, if Bill Skarsgard is reading this: hi baby)
13.
The Babadook
The Babadook
We’re willing to go down under for this well dressed young man. As an LGBTQ+ ally, you would have a lovely time at the Pride parade with him, and he’s always down to bond with your children – single MILFs, this one’s for you! Above all, the Babadook cares about your mental health, and at the end of the day, that’s all you can ask for in a relationship.
12.
Candyman
Candyman
While we do love that all you have to do is say his name a few times and then he comes, the bees would get a little old flying around you constantly. However, we do love candy. Swings and roundabouts with this one.
11.
Freddy Krueger
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Mr Krueger has everything to be the man of your dreams – if he cut his nails and didn’t encourage insomnia. Sure, maybe you want to be kept up at night, but for a very different reason and we just don’t think Freddy has what it takes to be that person for you.
10.
Jason Vorhees
Friday the 13th
One of the easier villain names to moan, but the mommy issues are a little much. Indestructible can be good if you’re a bit of a freak, but what if you just wanted to go swimming? Then what? Machete sharpening dates? We’ll pass.
9.
Norman Bates
Psycho
Once again, mommy issues! But, on the bright side, Norman is a small-business owner, and encourages nice, long showers, which spun in a slightly different way is a perfect premise for the hot guy love interest in a Hallmark movie or a romance novel.
So what if he’s into a little roleplay? We don’t kink shame.
8.
Hannibal Lecter
The Silence of the Lambs
We don’t want to go on record for saying this but….. We do love a man who likes to eat. Good taste in wine, loves to talk, he’s a doctor so bring him home to your family for some brownie points. Just don’t let him prepare the meal.
7.
Annie Wilkes
Misery
This is a woman who is willing to go above and beyond in being a loving and devoted life partner. She really cares about your career, and is willing to help you stay motivated to your goals in it! She also ticks the “in sickness and in health” box with ease.
She’s your number one fan!
6.
Jigsaw
Saw
I’m a grown adult Jigsaw, I don’t want to play games in my relationship. But, he’s clearly passionate about crafts, and we do love a good puzzle… so where does that leave us? Hopefully on a Color Me Mine date with a good sudoku book.
5.
The Demon
Paranormal Activity
Now, this guy is loyal to a fault – he’ll follow you anywhere! He’s protective! He’s possessive! He’s obsessed with your bedroom! Roll that video camera and start an OnlyFans, and together you could start an empire!
4.
Ghostface
Scream
Whether they’re a jaded boyfriend, a mother seeking justice or an obsessive fan seeking fame, a Ghostface could be a bit of a mixed bag. They all however, have a few things in common, including but not limited to always being up for a cute phone call, and taking interest in your favourite movies!
We’ve all seen the TikTok trend though, and that’s why this one’s so high on the list.
3.
Carrie White
Carrie
As long as you give Carrie acceptance and care for her when she’s on her period, she could be a very good girlfriend to you. If you can withstand her truly wretched mother and get on board with the fact that your belongings may go flying around the room every now and then, you’d be set for life.
Maybe skip out on prom though, just to stay safe.
2.
Michael Myers
Halloween
He’s so tall… (tucks hair behind ear).
He’s so attentive, and like Annie Wilkes, would take great interest in your career (if you’re a babysitter, anyways). You don’t have to worry about losing Michael because he’s so so indestructible – we love longevity and a man who will always be there for you to celebrate the spooky season! Being single dies tonight!
But let’s be real, he’s this high because of the whole tall thing.
1.
Jennifer Check
Jennifer’s Body
The horror villain to take the crown, is by far the one who would wear it best.
If you can cope with the fact that she’s clearly obsessed with her best friend, then this succubus is the one for you. Jennifer is confident, sexy, and committed to her greatest passions (good bands and biting people).
She’s been through a lot, and is quite obviously bisexual at least, but we believe that is shown the right love and care, dating Jennifer would be worth it for much more than just her Body.
She is… a god.
If you’re not out trick or treating tonight, then make a fun drinking game out of this post by taking a shot whenever a horror villain has mommy issues. Spoiler: you will not survive.
We know you’re itching to jump on Tinder and find some of these people/entities to match with, so we won’t keep you any longer. Happy Halloween!
the blueprint. 