We’re making a list, we’re checking it twice! We’re gonna find out who’s naughty and who’s fuckable!
Merry Christmas everyone! We’re going to celebrate the most wonderful time of the year in the only way the blueprint knows how: by ranking the datability of the many Santas to grace our screens over the years. Because who cares about class when you could be riding Santa’s sleigh?
To clarify, not all of the Santas listed below are inherently ‘fuckable’, but we’re going to factor in a lot of variables to create an unhinged datability ranking in classic Blueprint style to see who are the most dateable iterations of the beloved Daddy. (He’s literally called Father Christmas in the UK, Daddy is an acceptable title).
If you don’t agree with our list, you’ll find coal in your stocking. We don’t make the rules, our boyfriends are all Santa Claus and they’ll have our back.
22. Santa
The Polar Express
Sorry Tom Hanks, you gave a lovely Santa your best shot but we just can’t get past the uncanny valley animation. (That is Maddy’s polite way of saying that The Polar Express is hellish nightmare fuel and belongs in an elite group of films that should have never been made and should never be consumed by another mortal soul ever again lest we face the wrath of Krampus himself).
21. Father Christmas
Arthur Christmas
Make sure all your kids feel loved, you asshole, not just the jacked overachievers. Next!
20. Willie T. Soke
Bad Santa
He is a bad Santa in the sense that he doesn’t carry around the Christmas spirit that we all know and love, but he does drive an Impala which gets him some points. Any kind of adult riff on Santa is appreciated, even if Bad Santa takes it just a little too far.
19. Nick Claus
Fred Claus
We love Paul Giamatti too much to be non-biased in this. He does make everything better, but we lead with kindness here and kindness towards your siblings is a non-negotiable, sorry Nick!
18. Sandy Claws
The Nightmare Before Christmas
While Mr. Claws is very cuddly and wildly forgiving, he’s very job focused and a little bland in the old personality department, making him therefore, not totally dateable.
17. Waylon
Twilight
Bella met Waylon as Santa in Forks aged four, and then didn’t spend another Christmas there until she was married with a kid. Coincidence? We think not. But he remembers her, which is kinda sweet, right? Right?
R.I.P Buttcrack Santa.
16. Jack Skellington
The Nightmare Before Christmas
It’s so not hot when the guy who has it all forgets he has it all and goes on a weird new journey that doesn’t suit him. But… he is so tall. And he’s nice in the end. Kind of. We love a pseudo-redemption arc.
15. Father Christmas
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe
Narnia’s Father Christmas really nails the gift giving beyond a generic toy by giving thought out personalised gifts and/or weapons. Huge props for that! That being said, you shouldn’t scare children by chasing them – kinda goes against the Santa code that’s been established.
14. Nick St. Nicholas
Mr. St. Nick
This is fun, but Kelsey Grammer on the poster put those piggies AWAY. Nobody wants to see Santa’s feet, never mind Santa’s son’s feet. File “Santa’s WikiFeet score” under ‘Reasons we’re living in a Hellscape’. We’re not kinkshaming, it’s just the truth.
13. The Grinch
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
As long as you’re not ordering the Grinch online to come and trash your house, we wouldn’t be so quick to write off the original green Christmas scrooge. Mother of all Mothers Martha May Whovier obviously thinks he’s worth a shot! Perhaps it’s not just his heart that grows three sizes…?
(please don’t cancel us)
12. Scott Calvin
The Santa Clause
We don’t love a fully grown man who throws a tantrum about destiny. Just like…get over it buddy, you know? That being said, we love the idea of versatility in this potential Santa boyfriend – regular nice guy all year, who grows a mad beard at the drop of a (Santa) hat for one night a year. Keeps it fresh!
11. Father Christmas
Get Santa
Had anyone ever heard of this film? Because you’re telling us that Santa Claus is sent to prison because he tries to rescue his reindeer from a dog shelter after being caught by kid Kit Connor in a shed, and nobody thought to inform us? Why is this story not in the Christmas canon? It feels like it should be.
10. Lucy Cullins
Call Me Claus
Whoopi Goldberg played Santa??? We need to unearth this movie from the depths of Blockbuster somewhere. Lucy Cullins gets this far up the list just by virtue of being Whoopi Goldberg, even though we’re cheating by not having actually seen it.
9. Kris Kringle
Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
Edmund Gwenn won a literal Academy Award for playing Santa Claus, which is objectively a pretty sick thing to have done. Not in the sexy category, but this iteration of Kris Kringle is so sweet and wholesome that he’d be perfect boyfriend material – as long as you don’t mind spending Christmas Eve night alone…get it? Cause he’s gonna be busy.
8. Kris Kringle
Miracle on 34th Street (1994)
This has nothing to do with Kris Kringle himself (very kind man) but it’s hard (for Jamie) to focus on the movie when Dylan McDermott is playing literally the nicest man in the world and is so, extremely sexy. Like yeah, Santa is sweet but Elizabeth Perkins was CRAZY for not immediately locking that man down!
Okay focusing back on the actual man of focus – Richard Attenborough’s Kris Kringle is so sincere and darling that we could very much enjoy being loved by him. And the moment where he unexpectedly uses sign language with the deaf girl is the sweetest thing ever and makes us cry a lot.
7. Santa
Elf
New York cool guy Santa is a subtle but fun little spin on old St. Nick, though crashing the sleigh in the middle of Central Park is actually quite embarrassing. We think we can get over the ick of this happening in the spirit of the season.
6. Noelle Kringle
Noelle
Anna Kendrick as a princess and heir to the sleigh? Falling under the same logic as Whoopi Goldberg’s Santa, though we haven’t actually technically seen Noelle, we can undoubtedly say we will always love to see #womeninmaledominatedfields.
5. Cody Tolentino
Glee
A sexy, shirtless, bisexual Santa who has more abs than there are days in the year is obviously going to climb pretty high up on our ranking here, but he does rob the Bushwick loft and leave precious little Kurt tied up, so negative points. Sorry not sorry Cody!
4. Saint Nick
The Christmas Chronicles
Look. It’s Kurt Russell. With that head of hair. And he sings. Let’s be honest, that’s much to think about. He’s not inherently sexy, but Russell just naturally exudes it without holding back, making this Santa certifiably sexy.
3. Nick
Red One
Whoever pitched J.K. Simmons as a ripped gym-bunny Santa who does what he does purely because he cares about the kids deserves both the presidential medal of freedom and a mental health assessment check. Red One’s analogy of Santa being like the President is a fun spin on the guy, and leaves us truly curious about what the man does for the rest of the year besides working out and being nice to his wife. Not that we’re unhappy if that is all he does.
2. Klaus
Klaus
J.K. Simmons again! Man does a really good Santa type – and this one is absolutely no exception. A gentle giant who makes toys – could be so so loving and sweet to you but could also rip you open like a tree trunk depending on what kind of mood you’re in. You’ve got options with this one, and wouldn’t it be so nice to hole up with Klaus in his little house away from everyone and just chill out with him? Nothing like a recluse who learns the spirit of companionship to get the motors running. This is also just a really perfect film, which earns some huge bonus points.
1. Santa
Violent Night
Zero surprises here. Ripped, tattooed, nordic Santa with a sledgehammer and a fucking man bun. Based on the viking warrior named Nicodemus the Red – are you KIDDING ME??? Come down MY chimney tonight PLEASE I am BEGGING let me show you how GOOD I’VE BEEN THIS YEAR PLEASE.
AKA: A Santa who is both able to channel the feral, John Wick-esque stylings the movie requires and the tenderness required when communicating with children…there’s no question that David Harbour’s broad brawler comes out on top (in more ways than one). Sign us up for many, many sleigh rides with this beautiful man.
Update: now a sequel has been announced?! He’s a Santa unafraid of commitment! Dare we say he’s beyond datable, and fully marriage material? We’ll let you know when Violent Night 2 drops.
Is there a better way to celebrate Christmas than to lust over Santa Claus? We don’t think so. Yeah, yeah, time to celebrate Jesus’ birthday and spend time with loved ones, yada yada yada, how about making a relatively comprehensive ranking of how good or bad it would be to date various Santas across the movie-verse? That’s what our Lord and saviour would have wanted for his 2024th birthday – frankincense and myrrh is so two centuries ago.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Red One is showing in cinemas and on Prime Video
We’re going to go and hunt for the Whoopi film.
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